


Hyacinth, Heliotrope

by PhoenixandMuser



Series: Gardenia [3]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, V | Jihyun Kim's Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 08:43:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15748242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixandMuser/pseuds/PhoenixandMuser
Summary: I'm gifted with a warm smile, and I feel ready to find my own route.





	Hyacinth, Heliotrope

I steel myself against my own anxiety, and lift my chin. "I know that you said I should get better for my own sake, and not just because you want me to. I know I must. I don't want to be at the mercy of anybody else anymore. But there's no denying that I would never have survived without you."  
I feel weak and timid on the inside, and my body wants to slump and shrink back, but I will myself to stand taller.  
"I don't have the right to ask anymore of you, yet I want to beg you to stay with me forever."

The look she gives me is all too familiar. Sad and sympathetic. A look that I onced lived for, because it meant she cared. I don't wish to see it again. Now that I have experienced her pride, humour and admiration, I never want to see her pity again. However, I understand why she mistakes my words for yet another round of neurotic pleading for her to stay beside me. 

I start again.

"I'm going to have a normal life one day. Soon. Is it so bad to want you to be a part of that? Why would you have stuck around, if it was only going to be as my carer?"

She looks up at me, taking in everything I have to say.  
"There's nothing wrong with that." She looks ahead of us. "I wonder what your life is going to be like…"

The thought of her imagining a future for me makes me smile. She swings my hands as we walk, babbling on about how she imagines my apartment would look. It seems that she holds my interior design skills in high regard, which almost makes me laugh.

This experience is entirely foreign to me. Everything I knew, everything I had been for the best part of a decade had been purged. I often wondered what truths I was left with. If I had undergone a system restore, if I were just misbehaving hardware belonging to Mint Eye, when was the restore point? 

I don't believe that I could be the same as the child tied to a kitchen table. Did I have a personality then? All I can remember is frailty and hunger. What kind of person did Saeyoung know me as? I know that I can be burdensome. Then… what is left of me when I am no longer a burden to anyone? Am I just a blank slate?

"Sae? Are you okay? You look stressed…"

I'm quickly pulled back into the present. She's frowning, and I realise that I am too. I give a sheepish smile and admit that I had become lost in thought. 

I wonder how long she had been talking about how to furnish an apartment. 

"You know, you're the only person I'm close with."

She nods "I know."

"I know that it's troublesome at times, but I wonder what kind of person you think I am."

"Hmm…" she stops walking and surveys me for a moment. 

I can't help but giggle at the serious expression on her face, although I'm glad she is giving my question some thought.

With a short nod, she leads us to start walking again. "You've always been very sweet and thoughtful. I think you're a considerate person who thinks a lot about the impact your behaviour has. You still love plants, and you still worry about me, so I think you have a nurturing side too. You've always been very… intense about your feelings for me, but now you're more confident than before. I think you'll turn out to be a bold, straightforward guy, when you're ready."

I'm surprised by this. Bold and straightforward is a far cry from the weak and dependent person I have been since birth. Although I've been given such glowing praise, I feel more lost than ever. 

"What kind of person do you think he is?"

"Seven!" She smiles. I don't like that, although I have no real reason to resent it. "I know you don't really like him, but he's always been nice to me, and had a lot of respect for your work… Saeran?"

I suddenly feel very tired. 

Her voice is small beside me "Did I say something wrong?"

I can't help but let my shoulders slump. I shake my head and continue walking. For a moment, I can feel her consider holding me back, but she quickly falls into step at my side again.

"I can't just go back on everything I thought I knew. It's been too long to just go back to being the kid who loved him. But I don't have a choice, do I?"

"Don't you?"

"I don't." I state it plainly, because I know this much is true. "I'll still lose if I live in the constraints of a lie built to manipulate me." 

We walk in silence for a while. Although she didn't respond, I could feel her processing what I had said. I feel guilty for troubling her. Fear would have told me that I had irritated her with incessant worrying, but affection says that she simply wants to think deeper on what was said.

She suggests we take a break from walking, and leads us on a detour to a cafe. We sit at a table outside, and drink in amicable quiet for a while.

"Yah…"

She looks at me curiously.

In attempt to lighten the mood, I nudge her foot under the table "You're quiet; what are you thinking with that look on your face?"

Thinking on how to respond, she purses her lips "You said you had to go back to the way things were, but you don't."

"Can I keep hating someone for no reason? Would you even want that, if they're your friends?"

"You're trying to run in the exact opposite direction to where you were, just to get away. You don't have to polarise just to get out of being controlled. If you can only choose that option… it's not freedom. You don't have to do anything anymore." 

It's a nice thought. I hum in response, and look up at the sky kissed by light clouds. There's a golden tint to them than hints the turn of another season. I thought that I would die young, and only a finite number of dwindling summers. 

"Saeran, you have as many options as you can think of."

I can smell coffee, and sugar, and wet soil. Someone is watering the flowers in the window boxes. I wonder if we ended up here on purpose. This was the first time I had been to this cafe, but she must have known the place before I had stolent here away. What options had she thought of back then? 

With that thought, I conceded. "I suppose things have a way of working out beyond what we can think of." 

I'm gifted with a warm smile, and I feel ready to find my own route.

**Author's Note:**

> Hyacinth - forgiveness  
> Heliotrope - Eternal love, healing


End file.
